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| In the blissful - if not exhausting - pre-diagnosis days of infancy. if you could do it then, you can do it now. |
As time goes by, I'm meeting and speaking to more and more of you. Yes, you. You - the person who has been looking at your child for a while with that nagging concern that won't quite go away. You've perhaps been looking for answers, passively asking family and friends if what you see seems "normal" or not, and you've probably been unsatisfied with the answers...
"He looks fine to me."
"My kids did the exact same thing."
"Boys just talk later than girls."
"I know someone whose child talked at 3, and he's fine!"
"Don't worry; just give her some time and you'll see that she's fine."
Or, perhaps you haven't been asking because you haven't wanted to hear the answers.
Maybe you've just received a diagnosis for your child. That beautiful babe that you imagined had the world at his feet now has a label. There are more questions than answers. You feel lost; this is parenting without instructions. You don't know what to do and you don't know where to turn. You might feel like the sun will never shine again.
Yet, you're at the point where you are looking for...something. Validation. Support. A listening ear. Someone who has been there. Reassurance.
That has brought you here. That's why you're reading this blog. That's how you got my email address. That's why someone passed along my phone number. That's why you stopped me in the hall at church, or in the parking lot at the store, or sent me a message on Facebook. You need something, and you are hoping that I have it.
As much as I wish I had all of the answers for you, I don't. What I do have here is a promise - you are not alone.
You're not. Our children may not all share the same sets of strengths, challenges, and disabilities, but there is someone out there who does. Someone can relate to you. The fact is, there are probably more of those "someones" out there than you might imagine.
I can also tell you this - I know you are scared. I know that the world suddenly seems overwhelming. I know the future is less certain and the choices you thought your child might have seem limited, but I can promise you this - you will be okay.
You will. You absolutely will be okay. There will be days when you are 100%, absolutely not okay, and it is absolutely okay to admit that. There will be days, or weeks, or months where the weight of it all will be too much, but remember what I mentioned before...you are not alone. There is an army of us standing behind you to help hold you up - to support you - when you need it most. The shock, the heartache, and that feeling of breathlessness will fade with time. Be willing to give it that time.
Know that this feeling will not last forever, but allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and then move forward. Don't let anyone - not bloggers, family members, or friends - tell you that there is a right or wrong way to feel. There is not a right answer. The important thing is that you don't allow yourself to get stuck where you are. Continue to put one foot in front of the other. There are plenty of us here to hold your hand through it.
There will be days when you feel like you can't handle this. You will have people - well-meaning people - tell you that God gave you your child because you could handle it. In those moments, you might feel like God, your friends, and your family got it horribly wrong. You might feel like they're all overestimating your abilities. You might feel lost, unsure as to what to do or where to turn.
Well, I've got news for you; it doesn't take any special talents to be a special needs parent. It doesn't require you to have super powers or to be able to accomplish more than the average parent. Being a special needs parent means none of that. I can say that you are already equipped with the skill set you need to be the best possible parent to your child.
And why is that? Because like other parents, you share one universal truth - your heart and soul rests within the person that is your child. You are the only person who loved your child from the precise moment they came into existence. Before you even saw his or her face for the first time, I can guarantee that you were in love with the little person you hold so dear.
It is that very love that transcends all challenges. It is the reason why we do the things we do - the things that leave other parents saying, "I don't know how you do it!". We do it because we must. Because we love them more than life itself.
It is that very love that allows us to communicate with our children in a way that requires little to no words. It is love and this intense understanding of my child that allows me to know what he means when he only gives me a word or two, a grunt, or sometimes no clues at all. It's because the language I speak is not spoken with words; it is spoken through my heart. When I listen to what my heart, my gut, and my mommy instincts are telling me to do, I find that they rarely lead me astray.
So it shall be with you, too. You probably already do this. How many of you, during your child's evaluations, were asked "How do you know what your child wants or needs?" My guess is that you probably said, "I just know" or "I anticipate my child's needs". Guess what...no one else can do that as well as you. You - the person who knows your child best.
Your child knows this, too. Even if you may not get affection in the form that we recognize it, your child takes comfort in you. You tell by the way his or her breathing calms down when they are safe in your arms. It may be in the way that - when sitting side-by-side on the couch - your child's head, or shoulder, or arm relaxes against you in a show of peace and calm. You do that. No one else.
It is the crook of your neck that envelopes your child's forehead so perfectly. It is your arms that are comfort and security. It is you who knows their desires even when they do not have the words to say so.
You can do this, my friends. This is a messy, complicated, and unexpected life, but you will make it your own. You will find your confidence. You will find your way. With each passing day, you will get a little stronger as the tears do not visit you as often. You will find friends and companionship along the way.
You will see progress, I can guarantee it. It may not be the progress you hoped to see, but it will be progress nonetheless. Your child will remain the same child you loved so dearly - diagnosis or no diagnosis. You will experience continued challenges, but you will also encounter extraordinary victories.
Welcome to this journey. Make it your own. Forge your own path. And know that you are never, ever alone.